ASSHOLE

ASSHOLE

We come across all sorts of persons, and someone among them is branded as conceited, or a show-off, or as a pain in the ass.

You may come to the conclusion, or think deep down in your mind that, that some one is really the type of person as described above.  If no, this guide probably is not for you. If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to recognising an Asshole !

Are they "A Born Asshole" or they have worked towards becoming one. Let’s find out.

I came across this gem of an article on the net, and am reproducing it for everyone’s benefit.

After going through the article, no prizes are being offered for recognizing or naming any asshole among your acquaintances, relatives, neighbours or colleagues.

How to be an asshole        by   Evil Catullus

Assholes usually follow these easy steps, to ensure that people think of them as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.

Step One: Have impossibly refined sensibilities

This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult. It requires an amount of study because one needs to know their field. Faking is not an option; a fake will be held up as an object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not their objective. I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food, wine or music. While general Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to properly attain it. Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not only need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.

Step Two: Use Really Big Words

This is a much simpler step in the ascendance to Divine Asshole. All one needs for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary. Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say “puerile”. They make certain that they are properly using the new obscure words; and loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly

Step Three: Choose something to hate

It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. They don't hate the French if they’re English. Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or they may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever they do decide to hate, they make sure they know enough about it to hate it properly; probably hating something in their field of expertise. If he is a Food Asshole, he hates Italian Cuisine. If he is a Music Asshole, he probably hates Mozart or The Beatles. They make sure that whatever they do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if he’s an Art Asshole, he won’t hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.

Step Four: They Always Manage to Turn Conversation around to themselves

No matter what the topic of conversation is about, they make sure that they play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, they tell them all about their evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If they don't have an ex, they make one up. If someone manages to mention something remotely related to his field of expertise, he will monopolise the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing he chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.

Step Five: They Are Always Right, and are Secure in this knowledge

This is the culmination of the training as an asshole. Once they have mastered the first four steps, they are ready for this. When someone decides to argue with them about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, they intellectually bludgeon them using the words they learned in step two. This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in their area of expertise from step one; and resort to ad-hominem attacks deriding the opponent's intelligence. They are not overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; they are an asshole after all, not a bitch. If they manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by the opponent leaving in disgust; they become an ungracious winner and taunt their fallen foe.

If anyone carefully adheres to the above steps, they will be a Supreme Asshole in no time. While he may not have many friends, he can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser; they not only lack friends, they lack style.